The adventures of Keir Poppins

First of all, I would like to make one thing clear: I never explain anything.

After extending their time on the naughty step for those throwing atrocious petrol bombs around the house, the children have calmed down this week, which has allowed us to tidy up.

Roland Rat and his filthy little gang left such a terrible mess in the house with nothing in the purse for repairs - only a witchy painting and four acres of warehouses full of PPE we’re trying to sell back to China.   

Energy, food and borrowing costs have hit this household hard. I recently discovered the servants had overspent by £20bn - and somehow no one knew about this before me…

I’ll have to pop into the Fidelity Fiduciary Bank of England next week and tell those wicked bankers to lower the interest rates. 

Somehow we must economise. I’ve told the older children to wear a jumper and socks this winter when it gets cold. I’m trying to remove their pocket money for energy bills, but some of the other nannies are nervous. Those with the broadest shoulders, you know?

The children are unpopular with our European friends after years of filming “Neighbours from Hell.” After a wonderful friendship, Roland, someone, Boris,  Theresa and David rudely withdrew funds for the party wall, which has now fallen over and growing numbers of people are climbing over the fence. 

Around 58 million children are unhappy about this. Three of the children believe we have taken back control. Negotiations require a spoonful of sugar. We are offering tea and cheap to reconcile our differences with the neighbours, but not the extent we would offend the delighted three believers. 

As I always say, when the world turns upside down, the best thing is to turn right along with it.